Shoot Down the Stars

New Home:

2010-01-10T03:08:00.000-08:00

www.jdmp.tumblr.com

TO REMEMBER:

2009-12-28T12:18:00.001-08:00

ALWAYS BUY ON IMPULSE.

Random thoughts while studying for Fall finals:

2009-12-05T17:27:00.000-08:00

- I did not think I could fall even more in love with Phoenix, but alas, it's happened. Ch-ch-check it out!
- The cold air reminds me of how much I missed winter, the snow, mountains, crisp clean mountain air!
- I can't wait for the next 6 days to be over.. then hello Vegas, NorCal, SNOW!!!!
- Watching the Phoenix videos (CHECK OUT THAT LINK!!) makes me SO EFFING EXCITED to go to Paris next year. SO. EXCITED.
- French is sexy.
- I'm going to miss Milk & Honey.
- I wish I had money to shop.
- Lady Gaga's new album rocks. I am obsessed.
- Don't you love when you think you know the words to a song, and you sing them all the time when you're driving or whatever, and then you suddenly find the lyrics and they're completely off? Don't you feel stupid?
- I find cooking very therapeutic. I sometimes wish I had my own place so that I could cook my own meals. However, I'm also deathly afraid of cooking for other people and messing up the recipe. The last steps of a recipe are always the scariest because I'm afraid I'm going to screw up and ruin the entire meal hahahaha

And the weather says..

2009-11-16T10:38:00.000-08:00

Aries (3/21-4/19): Listen carefully to what your heart is trying to tell you. It's a safe bet that you're going through some big business right now, but you don't have to go it alone. Open up to someone close.

My horoscope for today. This could apply to many things that I'm struggling to cope with right now, but it makes a lot of sense. I think I'm going to listen to Yahoo's advice and open up to someone about all this madness.

Miss you Grandma.

Sweet November

2009-11-11T12:27:00.001-08:00

Ahhhh I love the fall so much!!! Beautiful weather, colors, CLOTHES........!!!!!!!!!!!!

My lusts for the season:

Italian handmade oxfords from J. Crew

Leather lace-up boots from Seychelles. The top turns inside out with a red plaid fabric on the inside.. they look SOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Bikram Yoga membership :(

VINTAGE BEADS AND BUTTONS FROM THE BEADING PLACE

Beading and jewelry class

Skinny ankle denim pants

Black skinny ankle cords

Bobbi Brown foundation/concealer. I need a new one for this season since my skin is getting paler hahaha and apparently, this one does WONDERS for your skin!

I also need a new straightener.. my GHD one barely heats up anymore! That kind of pisses me off because I paid $200 for it and it's only 1.5 years old, ugh.

I try to reach for you, I, can almost feel you

2009-11-10T12:22:00.000-08:00

Seriously feeling pretty low right now. I've been going through a couple of weeks of high points and today, it seems like my momentum is steeply declining. Work has been stressing me out a lot lately, what with a million Living Trusts to do and case complaints to be documented and filed. To add to that, I wrote my own parents' Living Trust last week, and though my parents were okay with me knowing what went into their Trust, it was definite a mind-blowing experience. Writing my own name and apportioning my parents' assets and planning out their estate.. thinking about that stuff scared me so much. I thought I'd be okay writing their Trust because I have done so many, but when it's your OWN parents who you're planning for... that was such a slap in the face. I don't want to have to think about my parents being gone, and here I am making arrangements for them. I'm not ready to start thinking about that, and I doubt I ever will be. That was the start of the roll downhill, I think.

My midterms passed without much event.. I failed to study adequately and I got my first midterm back today and my grade reflects my study habits. I was doing so well at the beginning of this quarter and somewhere in the past couple of weeks, I've adopted a "fuck this" kind of attitude and it is starting to show. My future plans will never pan out if I don't get my shit together soon.

Sig Ep formal was this past Saturday. I had a lot of fun, but I regret not taking my camera along. As much as I hate taking pictures, I wish I had more to look back on.

I kind of hate myself right now for being in such a self-pitying state of mind; for the past two hours I've been sitting at Langson Library, looking back in retrospect at the past two-three weeks, trying to figure out where I went wrong and why I'm feeling the way I am now and I have JUST realized that I need to stop being such a baby and move the fuck on. Finals are in less than four weeks. Time for me to strap a pair on and just do this shit.

Thanks Blogspot for letting me vent. I think my mind is clear and my goals are within reach again. Yay!

Day Too Soon

2009-11-03T11:35:00.001-08:00

I've been listening to this song by Sia on repeat for the past couple of days, and every time the song starts over and the melody begins, my heart starts pounding and aching. It evokes so many emotions inside of me and makes me so... I don't even know what word to use to describe it. All I know is that it reminds me of how good it feels to know that you're not alone; that there is someone out there who will be your balance and support system when you're the most vulnerable and lost. This is not to say that I feel alone or incomplete right now.. it's just nice to know that the possibilities are out there.

Music is such a great pick-me-up.

And when I strain my thoughts to push this thread I sew, it's some kind of future that I can be sure of

2009-10-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about my future a lot lately. I'm beginning my fifth week of my first quarter of my third year at UCI and the clock is ticking and my college career is winding down. I had so many different hopes, dreams, and aspirations when I first walked onto this campus, but reality and conflicting interests have brought me to this point where I'm kind of sort of at a standstill, neither moving forward nor backward. It scares me a little because I always, constantly want to be moving forward. If you look forward, you'll go forward. No looking back, no regrets, no missed opportunities. So, where do I go from here? What is it that I want, what is it that can realistically be achieved, what risks can I take without being let down? It's so hard to answer these questions because I want to be going somewhere but at the same time, I don't know where so I don't want to waste any time or energy on things I thought I wanted but then don't. I think I need to seriously sit down, get a pen and paper and create an achievable timeline. Or actually, maybe I'll just get down to it right here right now whilst I stray away from my huge workload that had slowly piled itself up from missing work for two days.

Okay, I'm going to try to come up with a short-term goal/to-do list and keep up with it:

- Study abroad in France: Fall 2010-Summer 2011 (Apply Fall 2009)
- Apply to Peace Corps (~~January~~ July 2010)
- Apply for SPOP (Winter 2010)
- Finish Pol Sci major requirements by Spring 2010
- Study for LSATs; take LSAT- GET AMAZING SCORE!

Figure out: how I'm going to walk for graduation, finances, law school apps, possible back-up plan

Long-term timeline:
- Study abroad in France Fall 2010-Summer 2011
- Travel Europe Summer 2011- deployment for Peace Corps training
- Peace Corps
- Apply to law school (East coast/NYC pleeeeease)
- Law school; move; find a job

Then this is where it gets hazy...
- Find a job at a law office? Or slowly save up money to open up my own boutique/bar/cafe/gallery?

I've yet to decide whether or not I really, truly want to follow a career in law/politics/government. I thought I did, but after having worked at a law office for a year, I'm not sure. I love my job but I don't know if I could be happy doing it for the rest of my life. There are so many other things I want to do, people I want to meet and places to go. It's so easy to say that I can do that later on after I've established my career and made enough money to stop working but how old will I be then? Will I still be lively enough to want to do those things that I want to do now? I want to live in Switzerland, travel through Asia, work in Africa, get involved in AIDS research and education, LIVE A MEANINGFUL LIFE.

Hopefully after my short-term goals are done, I'll be a little more sure of what I want. You choose your own destiny, right? I think I'm halfway to knowing mine.

And you know

2009-09-03T13:34:00.001-07:00

For you I'd bleed myself dry,
For you I'd bleed myself

dry.

Seriously?

2009-09-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

This article on Phillip Garrido, the man accused of kidnapping, raping, and imprisoning Jaycee Dugard made me so sick. I can't believe that he had such a long history of sexual crime dating back to the 1970s; and, the fact that during his trials he showed almost NO remorse or guilt.. I mean, seriously, what is the American justice system DOING if it's not keeping people like this off the streets and away from our children? It really, really disgusts me.

"...He testified that LSD and cocaine acted as sexual stimulants, and that he frequently masturbated and often in public places including the 'side of schools, grammar schools and high schools, in my own car while I was watching young females.'

...In the kidnapping trial from more than three decades ago, Garrido admitted to abducting and raping the woman he was accused of kidnapping, saying: "I have had this fantasy, and this sexual thing that has overcome me."

...He testified that he did not think what he did was wrong.

...Garrido served 10 years in a federal prison in Leavenworth, Kan., before being granted parole. He then served seven months for the rape conviction in a Nevada prison before being granted an early release in August 1988. Less than three years later, he allegedly kidnapped Dugard in 1991 when she was 11.

...He was returned to prison in April 1993 for an undisclosed parole violation and was released again four months later.

...The court documents come from his testimony on Feb. 10, 1977, after a judge turned down his attorney's bid to declare him insane because of his heavy drug use.

...He said he was working with a minister in jail 'getting close to God.' He told his own attorney that before finding God, 'I couldn't feel shame," for the rape. "I didn't even realize the reality of shame for what I was doing.' "

For the full article:
http://www.contracostatimes.com/news/ci_13246056?source=rss

I would do it all over again

2009-08-30T19:22:00.000-07:00

It's finally hit me. Driving away from Thanh's house today after dropping everyone off, in my empty van, listening to the radio with absolutely no voices in the background, I suddenly realized and felt the entirety of the weight of knowing that SPOP is over for me now. It hit so suddenly, without any warning, and left such a huge hole in my heart. It felt so strange to drive by myself again, and with such ease as the weight of six other people has left the car. It seriously feels SO surreal, and I don't think I've fully grasped the concept of SPOP ending yet.

This last trip together to Vegas was such a great way to close the past four months. I felt like I got to know some people a lot better, had a lot of good conversations, and found out who my closest friends are. I feel so nostalgic and blank right now.. I can't even find the words to express how truly, extremely glad and fortunate I feel to have been able to spend the past four months with such amazing, talented, genuine people. It still blows my mind that four months ago we barely knew each other, and at the end (or beginning, whichever way you choose to look at it), of this journey, we have built such strong bonds. I really mean it when I say that I hope all of us will keep in touch, which will be hard but I hope it is achievable. And for those of you who have been more than a good friend to me, I hope our friendships will continue to grow as we continue on through the rest of our college career and beyond.

Royal Year, you have given me so much and all I could hope for is that I was able to give even a fraction of that back. I love you all <3 The first thing I thought I would do when I got back from Vegas was to knock out, but for the last time, I am feeding off all of the energy that you each emit, and it is giving me the strength to write these words. THANK YOU.

Room 319

Spop 2: Prado Libre

Spop 3: A Tribe Called Cuesta

Spop 4: Camino's Pizza

Spop 7: CieloOhhyeah

Spop 8: CUM(heart)BREakers

FAMILY. CAREBEARS <3 style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 353px; height: 264px;" src="http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs112.snc1/5123_91453457700_518867700_2027400_3360808_n.jpg" alt="" border="0">
ROYAL.

BOOM BOOM POW.

2009-08-25T18:08:00.000-07:00

Oh myy. My work day is slowing winding down to its final minutes (about 20 minutes left) and I am slowly going insane due to lack of social interaction and an overwhelmingly brutal amount of sugar and caffeine. I have spent the past hour sitting at my desk, alone, at the law office as everyone has left for no known reason -- they seriously all just bounced without even saying anything -- and I have been convulsing and having epileptic, seizure-like symptoms from the cookies, candy, and milk tea that I have consumed in a very short period of time in the recent past couple hours. So, in order to get my mind off of my loneliness (seriously, I would rather endure an hour of Danny [the guy I work with] lecturing me on the history and myths of Vietnam than sit here by myself), I have been shopping online for fall/winter items! YAYYYY!!! Thus, MY SHOPPING LIST!

SOOO now all I have to do is work my ass off for the next couple months so I could purchase these items. Boohoo. :(

Show me what I'm looking for

2009-07-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

In one week, my life has changed so much; my outlook and perspective on life has drastically broadened, and I honestly think that I have become a much more open person. After staffing SPOPs 2 and 3, I have met so many different types of people, heard so many different stories, felt so many different emotions. I've always been very objective and open to all people, but going through this experience has shown me that there is so much more than meets the eye. It's been really hard trying to get to know 50+ people in one hall in less than 48 hours, but I'm trying my best in attempting to peel the different layers in each person and finding out more about them. In doing this, I'm finding out a lot more about myself.

I know I'm the kind of person who finds it really difficult to open up and fully experience/express my feelings. I've been through a couple (and enough) of emotionally traumatizing experiences, and it still scares me to fully let go and let myself become vulnerable. I always emanate an outgoing, happy-go-lucky aura so that others won't catch on to how much I'm afraid to let them in. There are maybe 5 or 6 people who really know who I am, and even those people have never seen the deepest, darkest side of me. It really takes a lot for me to open up, and a lot of time, but I'm trying really hard to learn to slowly let myself become vulnerable again. Knowing this about myself makes me see how possible it is for other people to be the same way; that they may also have two very polar opposite sides to them that they may not show to the whole world, and it comforts me to know that I AM NOT ALONE. So many times, I have felt completely alone, empty, and lost. For some reason, some people have told me that they've always seen me as a confident, stable, sometimes intimidating person but that is not me AT ALL. Yes, I am confident -- I know who I am, what I want and how I'm going to get it, but I am still human. I have my insecurities, my fears, my weaknesses. BUT, I have come to the realization that all of that is a part of who I am and I am going to EMBRACE that. Those things are not WHO I am, but only a small part. SPOP has taught me that people are strong, good-hearted, and well-meaning. It has shown me that no matter what, you should never lose faith in people because they can and will always surprise you.

So with that said, thank you so much to the staffers and spoppers that have taken the time to have a conversation and/or interaction with me. It truly, truly means the world to me and you have NO idea how much influence you have had on me. My heart is literally overfilled with happiness, pride, and humility because I am so honored to have had the chance to know all of you. You are each so unique and wonderful in your own way and I hope you know how beautiful you are, both inside and out.

... seriously, need I say more?

2009-07-23T14:45:00.001-07:00

2009-07-08T01:35:00.000-07:00

So, it's been about a month since I've last updated my blog. So many things have happened in the past month that it's hard to gather it all in and talk about it. I've experienced about a million different emotions in the span of 30 days, and sometimes even within the same 24 hours... it's crazy how different events and people can stimulate you in such a way that you can even feel as crazy as you do. Anyway, the events that this past month has basically consisted of were: graduation of the class of 2009, finals, my first (and maybe last?) rave - EDC 2009, SPOP weekend training (can you say WOW?), getting a raise at work, discovery of my new favorite hangout, heart-to-hearts, tears, lots of laughter, and much more. I won't go into too much detail on each thing as of right now as it's 1:40am and I have work in a couple hours, but basically this summer started out really freaking shitty for me, but within a couple of days it definitely picked up and is now starting to look extremely exciting. I am so excited to start staffing SPOPs and meeting all of the new first years and getting them to love UCI as much as I do. I remember first coming to UCI.. it was definitely not my first choice but now, I can't imagine going to any other school. I really, honestly believe that fate brought me here hahahaha but that just sounds crazy. But anyway, I'm going to sleep now and will update this later.

There is no such thing as goodbye, only see-you-laters

2009-06-07T13:46:00.000-07:00

I am going to miss all of you amazing people that I got to work with, grow with, and become friends with this year. I can't even think of the words to express how much I love each and every one of you.. even if I've only just introduced myself to you yesterday, or if we've been friends since my first day at UCI, I feel like we have a bond that can never break (unless you do something FUCKED up .. which I know you wouldn't :) ) and that shit laaaaasts! Hopefully I will see most of you back next year, and if not, know that I will always be available for anything that you may need.

SENIORS: I am going to miss you all so much. It is impossible to express how my heart breaks when I think about you all graduating. However, I want to wish you all the best of luck in everything that you do, and I hope that you will never forget the amazingness that was Student Services this year. You all are so amazing and I am so lucky to have had the opportunity to get to know you. Linda, Cones, Luis, Barker, Vo, Tiff, Kyoko, Janet.. and anyone else that I may have forgotten momentarily: you are the SHIT and don't you ever forget it. AND DON'T FORGET ME :( and come visit often!! I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

Pictures are forthcoming! As soon as I finish these two papers :)

STUDENT SERVICES LOOOOVE

thank you for your love song, mr. radio

2009-05-30T15:29:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling a lot of mixed emotions lately; happiness, sadness, frustration, exasperation, emptiness -- each vacillating feeling being replaced by another almost instantaneously without any kind of cue or trigger. To add into the confusing swirl of emotions are my inarticulate thoughts that make no sense, and no doubt does nothing to sift apart everything running through my mind to create something sensible. I think a better description of what I'm going through right now is to say that I'm actually not feeling or thinking anything at all. Maybe that is what makes it all so confusing.. the fact that I really am not going through anything and that this void is causing everything in my body to look around in puzzlement because everything's at a standstill.

Anyway, enough whining about nothing. I've been listening to my iPod a lot lately and I wanted to record some lyrics from songs that have really struck me.

Hey you,
So you really never found your way
Stay true,
Did you ever make it through today?
I know that when I think about it
Every day's the same

Calm down,
Deep breaths.
And get yourself dressed instead.
If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it.
And hold your own,
Know your name,
And go your own way.
And everything will be fine.

"You're like an island of reality in a sea of diarrhea."

Say whatever you have to say,
I'll stand by you.
Be whoever you have to be
I won't judge you.

Sometimes, goodbye's the only way.

One of these days,
You'll be under the covers
Under the table
And you'll realize
That all of your days are numbered
All of them, 1 to 100
So what are you gonna do with them all?
You cannot trade them in for more.
Take every moment
You know that you own them
It's all you can do
Use what's been given to you.

And to close this blog, here are some photos of people who have influenced me in the past couple of months. You all do not know how much I love you <3
My SPOP fam.. the CAREBEARS. You are all so amazing, and each and every one of you have such different styles and characteristics that are unique to you; I am so proud to be a part of this family and am looking forward to learning from each of you!!

My girlfriend :) I am so glad we have become such great friends, babe. You are the sweetest and one of the most genuine people I have ever met. AND I love that we are so similar!! Haha <3

Mah-ree-ayyy <3 You are the most thuggish ruggish bitch I know haha. Thank you for always being there for me. I love you!

ASUCI Student Services <3 'Nuff said.

SEAHORSES!!!!
"With class, with sass, with ASS"

Hubz. Words cannot even begin to explain or describe our relationship. Love you forever.

Did you ever make it through today?

2009-05-29T09:12:00.000-07:00

Feel an overwhelming sadness, for absolutely no tangible reason.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have no idea why I am so gloomy and bummed out. It makes no sense to me whatsoever; it's like a switch just got turned on/off and my emotions just instantly went out of sync. Maybe it's the weather?

I'm baaack!

2009-05-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

Hello again, Blogspot.

I'm back! :) Soooo according to my last post, I was going to start writing in a journal and leave my blogspot, but as we can see, I have returned. I'd also like to add that I failed miserably at journal-writing (as I've written ONE entry this entire time) so that is why I am back to my blog.

Anyway, there's about 4 weeks left of the school year, and I have to say that this has been an AMAZING year at UCI. ASUCI has had a great year, our athletics is kicking ass and taking names, and SPOP .. I cannot even begin to put into words what SPOP is or how it has affected me. I really have never felt more love from people I've just met. This year has been one of extreme growth and progression, new friendships and renewed, stronger bonded ties. I don't even know where to begin so I'm just going to stop here and revel in all the love haha.

I'm looking forward to an event-filled summer! There has yet to be a period of time where I'm idle. I don't think I have EVER been idle in my entire life (except maybe for a little bit last summer.. but that is ALL going to change this summer!!)

Made these photo albums for my spfamily! We're the Care Bears.. aren't they cuuute hahaha

goodbye blogspot.

2009-02-09T23:13:00.000-08:00

I think I've outstayed my welcome at blogspot.

I need a more tangible place to express my thoughts, ideas, feelings, happiness and pain. So I'm going to invest in a journal.

One that I'm actually going to utilize instead of writing in it a couple times and then forgetting it and then misplacing it and then end up resorting to online blogging.. where typing my feelings is definitely not the same as writing it all down and being able to look back and see ink sprayed over pages, doodles and illegible scrawling.

Yep. Soo see ya, blogspot.

And if there is another post here in the future, I will be slapping my hands and telling myself that I have been very, very naughty. :/

2009-02-08T18:58:00.001-08:00

I'm supposed to be studying for my last midterm right now, but there's a sense of unrest and discontent that's been ravaging my mind and heart in the past couple days that I can't shake off, therefore resulting in my inability to concentrate on anything other than my vague, untouchable pain. So, I'm going to write a rambling blog to see if this could do anything to alleviate the aching and restlessness. If it doesn't, well then.. at least I could read back on this later and try to analyze why I am so gloomy.

First, this could all be a result of the rain. I feel like these feelings first emerged when it first started raining on Thursday. THAT was seriously, one of the worst days of my life. I don't remember ever feeling that low and worthless in a LONG time, and for reasons I can't even put my finger on. Then, this past weekend was spent in a beautiful city, San Francisco, but I couldn't even take out the time to explore it or enjoy it as I was cooped up in a room all day discussing pointless things for X amount of hours. That definitely didn't improve my mood. My heart yearns to live in that city, right smack in the middle of Haight St. with all the hippies.. the more I think about it, the more I could see myself living by myself in a small little flat or loft with huge windows that I would cover with silk, pastel curtains that I would sew myself. There would be lots of open space in my apartment and I would collect various trinkets and furniture from everywhere to furnish it.. there will be posters and paintings on the walls, lamps and rugs, and maybe I will even paint on one wall myself. I will reserve a corner of the living room for my wheel, and use a closet as a darkroom. I would spend my days wandering the city, gathering different materials for art projects, meeting strangers and befriending them, and coming home to my apartment at night to work on my creative projects. I would cook, drink Japanese green tea, meditate, and rejuvenate. Living by myself in SF will surely revitalize me.

If only life were a dream.

I just feel so inescapably trapped, by society, money, expectations, the future. It's unthinkable now for anyone to just want to live day-by-day, paycheck-to-paycheck.. but that's what I want to do. I don't want to have to think about the future, and work my ass off for something that might never come. Living for something/someone else, working for someone else, listening and obeying, never controlling my own life or having my own direction. I don't want a damn boss. I don't want a corporate check or 401k or wear business suits. I want to be able to answer to me and only me.

But I DO have to think about the future, and worry about where my next meal is coming from.

I wish life WAS a dream.

Can anybody hear me?

2009-01-30T19:15:00.000-08:00

At this point in my life, I've arrived at a crossroads where the clearly defined path I was heading on has branched out into two, maybe more, hazy, barely-there trails. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted and how to get there, but I find myself increasingly unsure of the direction I want my life to go; not to mention, all of the external factors that SHOULDN'T (but unfortunately and inevitably do) influence my decision make coming to a conclusion much more difficult than it should be.

Coming into college, I had no idea what kind of career path I was going to choose. Of course, I didn't necessarily have to decide on one right away, but societal and parental pressures caused me to seek out a decent career choice, and find one I did. At the end of senior year, I was so sure that I wanted to be a veterinarian. However, as I didn't make it into the Bio school of my choice (UC Davis), I had to re-arrange the pieces of my future in my mind. If not veterinary medicine, then, what else would I want to do? And more importantly, what was I good at and what would I enjoy doing? This led to a period of my life where I spent nearly every hour wondering about WHAT it is I am good at. Sadly, I could not think of one thing.. except student government.

From there, I decided that what I was good at was organizing things, delegating tasks, being in charge. But what the hell kind of career choice is that? Aha, got it. Politics. So then I became a Political Science major, Pre-Law of course. That seemed SO perfect to me when I thought of it; what could be better fitting than the legal profession? I love politics, the idea of government and activism and helping the world and blahblahblah...

But all of that now seems to lack something that I want very much in my life: freedom, creativity, liberality, and TRULY making an impact. Working 65+ hours a week as a lawyer is no longer appealing to me; once I started working at the law firm, I realized that what this job is is BULLSHIT. Plain and simple. Who the fuck cares about collision reports, medical reports/bills/liens, filing court documents.. the ENDLESS paperwork, phone calls, office drones.. is THAT what my life is going to be reduced to? Me, the ever loud-spoken, power-to-the-people hippie-in-disguise.. ripping open X number of packages of paper a day to make copies of MEDICAL REPORTS for what's-his-name at the insurance agency to hardly glance at? Yup. That's me, Jane Phan. Killing rainforests, one day at a time.

No. This is NOT what I want to do with my life. So now what? Where do I go from here? What WILL I do?

I have not thought of anything yet.. and maybe I'm just going through a really dark period (I AM reading 300+ pages of legal/political articles right now) but all I know for sure is that I need an outlet of freedom and choice in my life somewhere.

January Update!

2009-01-25T13:11:00.000-08:00

What's happeninnnnn'!!!! So, to follow up on my last post to keep up with my resolution progress, here are some updates with the last couple of weeks:

1) I went to D.C. last week for President Obama's Inauguration! Kevin and I flew out to Richmond, VA on Friday afternoon, got to Richmond around midnight (where it was 5 fucking degrees) and taxied to our hotel room at 1:30am. I slept for about 2 hours while Kevin tried to get the internet to work, and then we left our hotel at 4:30am to get to the Greyhound station to go to Baltimore, MD. Got to the Greyhound where they freaking lagged like a mother, and finally left the station at 6:30am. Made a stop in D.C., and finally got to Maryland at about 10 or 11, I don't remember. We stayed the following days with Kevin's aunt and uncle who are SO nice haha. So, that day, Kevin and I went to the War Memorial in Baltimore where President-elect Obama and VP-elect Biden were making their last stop on their Whistle Train tour and we got to see him speak!!!! It was amazinggggg, I wanted to cry so badly but my tear ducts were frozen (no joke, we stood and waited in 15 degree weather for a good 3 hours before he came). Then on Sunday we went into D.C. on the subway and train systems and visited the National Archives and watched the WE ARE ONE concert at the Lincoln Memorial. Again, SUPER amazing. Obama's speech was incredibly moving; he just has a way with words, ya know!!?! However, some of the guest speakers were freaking random and totally threw me off (Jack Black.. Steve Carell.. and why the f*ck was Jamie Foxx all ghettoed out?!) I'm really sad that Don Cheadle wasn't there, haha. Monday, went back to D.C. and visited the Manifest Hope exhibit in Georgetown which I've been dying to see since it was erected in Denver, CO during the DNC. The exhibit was only up for 3 days in Georgetown, and seriously.. I wish it was up longer so that everyone could see it. No words could even describe how beautiful it all was; the creativity, use of artistic mediums, and messages of each of these pieces was.. priceless (although they DID put a price on these pieces, haha). Walking into the gallery, I was completely speechless. I took pictures of most of the artwork on Kevin's camera but a photo cannot fully and completely portray the magnificence of each of these pieces. I really hope the gallery will come to LA (but I highly doubt it) so that you all can see how incredible it is!! Anyway, after Manifest Hope, we walked through M. Street of Georgetown and went to some shops and ate at an Ethiopian restaurant (which was an interesting experience, to say the least) and I had Ethiopian wine. We then decided to call it an early night since Tuesday was going to be an insane day. SO, the big day arrived. We woke up at 3:30am and got to the Penn Station at 4:30ish and took the light rail to BWI. From BWI, we were supposed to take the B30 bus to the train station at Greenbelt but there was a GRIPLOAD of people (I'd take a gander at about 200+) waiting already so we decided to just take a cab to the train station. Luckily, as we were running towards a cab, we met a couple who also decided to take a cab and so we split the fare. Got to Greenbelt in about 30 min or so and got to the train station. MADNESS, I tell you. There were SO MANY people trying to get to D.C. We FINALLY got onto the train after about 50 minutes of pushing and shoving to the train and got to D.C. at 9-10am (it took us 4-5 hours to get to D.C. when it normally takes an hour or less). We then had to walk about 15 blocks to get to the National Mall as they closed off most of the streets. Then, at 12pm EST, the Inauguration Ceremony commenced and it was BEAUTIFUL. People all around us were cheering, laughing, hugging, crying.. I never felt so much optimism, hope and unity between complete strangers before. It was truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Anyway, we left after President Obama got sworn in to beat the traffic home, and thank God we did, or else we would've been stuck in D.C. for hours. We got home to LAX on Wed. at 10am and now reality is back upon us :(

2) Finished Fight Club! AMAZING book. I'm kind of sad that I watched the movie before I read the book; I'm sure if I read the book before the movie, I would've loved it 28310290238x more, but either way I love both, which is strange because I always either like a book and hate the movie or vice versa (i.e., Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings). I think it's probably because the movie is an extremely accurate adaptation of the book; the script is almost word-for-word and most of the events in the movie are exact portrayals of the book -- except the ending. But yeah, I HIGHLY recommend both the book and movie.

3) I'm disappointed in myself regarding my gym regimen. The first week of January, I was right on track with going to the gym three times. The second week, I went once. Third week, 0, haha. I kind of have an excuse for Week 3 though, as I was out of town for about half of the week. However, I plan on getting back on track by going to the gym today after my studying.

4) Still haven't gotten a chance to go boarding or take a ceramics class or any of the other "for myself" activities that I wanted to. I really need to get back on that.

5) Work at the law office is good. Really opening my eyes to the legal profession. I want to get a job at a corporate firm, though. Or court. And, Geisha House is hiring in about a week and a half. I need to rewrite my resume and apply!!!

6) I applied for SPOP Staffer. Interview is on Wed., cross my fingers!

I think that's all I have to update for now.. I've put off studying for about an hour already. I need to stop shooting myself in the foot and get/stay focused. It's already Week 4, WHAT THE FUCK!!

A New Beginning

2009-01-04T00:08:00.000-08:00

Happy 2009, folks! I cannot believe this past year has gone by so fast -- it feels like a million things have happened, all seemingly life-changing/altering in some way, big or small. I would normally like to take a second to reflect on life and analyze the events of the past year, but this year I am going to do something different; I am going to look forward, not back, and determine what things I need to accomplish in order to be on the right track for my future. I've realized that reflection can oftentimes be beneficiary, but at other times it only leads to regret and failing attempts at redemption, so therefore I refuse to live in the past and instead, to move on to a much brighter and hopefully successful year!

so, without further ado, my list of ACHIEVABLE* resolutions:

- become a healthier and more fit person (meaning, exercise 3x a week and try to eat healthier; perhaps take a yoga and/or pilates class)
- focus more on school and stay on task (meaning at least a 3.8)
- be a better daughter/big sister/mama for my parents/brother/bleu
- get a job i really love
- do something for myself every month (be it snowboarding, ceramic and drum lessons, etc.)
- LEARN FRENCH
- figure out my life timeline and priorities (study abroad, double major, peace corps, career paths, law schools, extracurriculars, etc.)
- read a book for pleasure every month (January is going to be Blonde)

I think this is a good list of goals, and hopefully I'll be able to achieve at least 80% of them, if not all. Hope everyone had a great New Year's and is ready for school. I know I am!!!

EDIT.
Scratch that, I'm reading Fight Club for January :)
*KEY WORD

2008-12-08T16:33:00.000-08:00

Finished my last final at 2:30pm today -- my last final of Fall Quarter and my last final of 2008!!!! Woooo how exciting! Now I get to start my Winter Break.. and what better way to start it than to sit on my girlfriend's couch watching Entourage while she is showering? Hahaha.

Things to do this Winter Break:
- Ride, ride, riiiiide.
- Work and make that cash money for snow & Christmas & Inauguration!
- ~~Finish my Christmas shopping~~
- Find a new board/~~bindings~~.. but this isn't THAT important I suppose.
- Finish the 4 started-but-unfinished novels/biographies building up dust on my bedside table
- Begin research for upcoming trials/cases at the law office
- FINALLY call my drum instructor??
- ~~Get the French Rosetta Stone!!!~~
- Make/finish all preparations for D.C. in January
- Get started on all my readings/homework (ha ha ha ha)
- ~~Dec. 15-17: Bear trip!~~ too bad i had to work :(
- New Year's: Vegasssss wooooo

This should keep me fairly busy. Yay! Good luck to everyone on finals .. SO relieved that I am finished!

AND HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY TO MY BEST FRIEND, KP! I LOVE YOU BABY GIRL AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO COME HOME!

EDIT. 12/17/08

~~because blogspot doesn't have "strikethrough" as an editing option, i am highlighting all achieved things with red font. :)~~ mwahah, thanks lk :)

- I want to paint. And maybe take a ceramics class; I want to get really good at the wheel.

EDIT. 12/25/08
merry christmas everyone! and to update my latest "to-do" addition, it is REALLY hard to find a beginner's ceramics class in orange county. does any one know of any schools/instructors??

THIS IS THE MOST EXCITED I'VE BEEN IN A LONG TIME

2008-12-06T15:55:00.000-08:00

BECAUSE THERE IS FINALLY SNOW (-MAKING)!!!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED, BEAR AND MT. HIGH OFFICIALLY OPENED TODAY!!!!!!

MY FIRST RIDE OF THE SEASON IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER! I AM SO GLAD I FINISH FINALS ON MONDAY, SEE YOU TUESDAY, MT. HIGH!!!

NOW I AM JUST MORE MOTIVATED THAN EVER TO STUDY FOR FINALS TO GET THIS SHIT OVER AND DONE WITH SO I CAN FINALLY GET SOME SNOW TIME!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

________________________________________
EDIT.

Quick digression: I made myself a playlist for studying of fairly mellow music that keeps me pumped up at the same time, and I put on an old classic that I've loved since I first heard it and I am listening to it right now; I just wanted to insert a verse from the song that ALWAYS cheers me up and makes me fall in love with it all over again:

I'm dying to know
Do you, do you like dreaming of things so impossible
Or only the practical
Or ever the wild?
Or waiting through all your bad, bad days just to end them with
Someone you care about?

Make you feel that way

2008-12-01T23:58:00.000-08:00

Listening to all my latest additions to iTunes. Makes me feel gooood. A couple things on my mind:

1) Where the fuck is the damn rain and snow? It is December 1st and the temperature is still in the 70s? What. The. Fuuuuck.
2) Some people are just irritating me lately. People need to get their shit together, right quick.. like right NOW. I am getting so tired of picking up after the same people over the same shit, day after day. Come on guys, we're all grown -- pull yourself together and get your shit straight puhhLEASE.
3) If it doesn't snow by this weekend, I am going to go crazy. And do a rain dance.
4) I hope I find stuff at Skidazzle.
5) I am excited to see Dave at Skidazzle.
6) Can someone PLEASE just romance me for once? If I were a boy...
7) This time next week I will have finished all of my finals and started my Winter break. Holy shit, I have just realized the enormity of what I just stated and I am feelin' GOOOD about that! And also slightly stressed as I have done absolutely NO studying with ~6 days left to go.
8) My baby Bleu is now officially 1 year old!
9) I hate my fucking job. Which I have to wake up and go to in less than 9 hours PFT.
10) I am sleeping at Linh's tonight because we are supposed to be studying.. but instead we have been on our individual computers doing JACK SHIT. Fuck you, Linh hahahaha
11) She is now scolding me about not doing my homework. FUCK YOU AGAIN hahahhahah

Okay signing off now, good luck on finals everyone and have a GOOD CHRISTMAS/HANUKKAH/KWANZA(A?)/ HOLIDAY!!

P.S. I NEED TO FUCKING CHRISTMAS SHOP FUCK MY LIFE CAN YOU PEOPLE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT AND GET ME SOMETHING GOOD ALL RIGHT AND IF NOT THEN GET A FUCKING GIFT RECEIPT PLEASE THANK YOU LOVE YOU MWAHWAMWHAWMAWHAWMWAH

EDIT.
Two people today have told me that I am bipolar.. and reading back on my blog, I can see where they are coming from hahahaha. Sorry bitches, if you love me put up with it. If you don't then shut up and suck it up hahahahahaa <3

Ho Hum,

2008-11-24T22:43:00.001-08:00

I am having the most random mood swings today.

Because I've been sitting in the library for an hour and a half doing nothing...

2008-11-20T20:38:00.000-08:00

I have decided to write a quick blog to get things off my chest. Today has been a completely shitty day overall. I woke up to go to work at 8:45 and got to work 10 minutes late but lo and behold, no one is there yet so I have to sit in my car and wait for someone to get there. I'm supposed to get a key to the office but they're just taking their sweet ass time getting it to me. So I get into work and take care of the morning ish and this couple comes in because they have an appointment with the attorney but he's not there yet so they leave. Attorney comes in and I tell him about them and he fucking goes off on me about why didn't I get their names and numbers or what they were there about because he has no idea who they are. Then I'm like, Well they said they had an appointment with you so I assumed that you would know who they are and he yells at me and says, I DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE. Two fucking minutes later, he comes out and is like "Ohh I know who they are," blahblahblah and I just stare at him thinking like "Wow what the fuck are you serious." But then today was just a flat-out horrible day at work; I kept messing up documents and shit and I was just SO OUT OF IT. I need more sleep.

Anyway, so now I'm at Langson Library and I've been here since 7pm (it's now 8:46) and I have not even opened any of my books. AND I just drank a Venti Peppermint Mocha and I am so caffeinated -- I feel like running around but that is probably not going to happen, so I have all of this energy inside of me hahahaha. I'm also in a very giggly mood.. I'm sure people in the library think I'm crazy; I'm sitting in the far corner of the library on the first floor all wrapped up in my hoodie and giggling at the computer by myself. He HeheehheEh eheheh EHeh so anyway I'm going to be productive now and crack open these damn books and get my study on. Wish me luck haaaaaaahaha

Mid-day ramblings

2008-11-17T15:43:00.000-08:00

For some strange and unknown reason, I feel utterly, hopelessly drained. Everything that I do makes me more and more sluggish; things that used to come quickly and easily now take me hours to do, either because I can no longer concentrate on them or because I can't remember how to do it right. I'm becoming inefficient and that scares me. A lot. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, or because these last couple of weeks have really sucked a lot of energy out of me, but I'm supposed to be at my PRIME. Seriously, how frightening is that? I haven't even finished my second decade of life yet, and I'm already feeling/acting like a grandma. Oh well. Hopefully I can rest after finals are over and recuperate what little energy I have left and become the lively person I used to be, haha. Wow, this entry is soo depressing.

Anyway, Students of Color Conference (SOCC) is this weekend at UCLA. I don't really want to go, but being COD of EVP, I have a commitment. It's funny because no one else in the office is going besides Kyle, and even he won't be sticking around much. So, basically I'm looking at a weekend in UCLA by myself .. chaperoning UCI students. Woopee. Can you sense the enthusiasm?

I need to start looking into Study Abroad programs, specifically the Switzerland program with IEP starting in 2010. I think that's the one I'm going to end up applying for; it's the only program that goes to Switzerland, and plus, the program is for a year and I would be living mainly in Switzerland but also studying in France and Italy for awhile. How freaking awesome is that? I can't wait to explore my future home :) Swiss embassy, here I come!

I can't think of anything else that needs updating.. school is going by really fast. I can't believe it's already Week 8 of Fall Quarter. College is just flying by; soon I'm going to find myself somewhere on the other side of the world, living in a hut off of $1 a day teaching English to third-world citizens. I'm so excited!!

'Tis the Season

2008-11-06T18:55:00.000-08:00

Gooooood evening, America!

Today is a NEW day! I haven't blogged in over a month, and BOY, so many things have happened!

First and foremost, I am so ecstatic, pleased, excited, and just plain OVERJOYED that our next President of the United States is none other than Barack Obama!! This historical and monumental moment in history will go down forever in history books; I am just so proud to have lived to see and be a part of this movement. It's amazing, and no amount of words can even begin to describe or translate the onslaught of emotions that are threatening to rush out of me right now -- I think that if I even attempt to, I'll burst out in tears or begin to scream again (for lack of better means of expression). Even more exciting is the fact that I'm flying out to D.C. to the Inauguration in January!! I just bought mine and Kevin's tickets.. SO. FREAKING. EXCITED!!! We have to start outlining the details of our trip, but so far we're basically flying to Richmond, VA and bussing it over to D.C. which saves us a LOT of money and is all the more merrier since I expect we'll be having all sorts of adventures and running into all kinds of trouble :)

In relation to politics and all that jazz, I started at my new job a couple days ago. I am now, along with hostessing at Hamamori, a legal secretary for Liem H. Do, attorney-at-law! It's actually a great opportunity for me; because it's such a small law firm (office?), the lawyers there are more interested in helping me further my law career and educating me than having me do actual work for them. In example, I spent the entirety of today looking over case files and briefs and just absorbing the information, and having Mr. Do mentor me himself for an hour on living trusts and wills. Even though this firm does not represent the type of legal work that I want to go into, I think it'll be a great learning experience; learning to write up demands and briefs will definitely help me gain insight and experience into law and decide whether this is really what I want to do with my life or not.

Apart from the political/logistical happenings in my life, things are going very smoothly. I'm trying to improve myself as a person -- eating better, going to the gym (which is not working out so well as I've only gone 3x this entire quarter), etc. I need to discipline myself more and do the things I said I would do: learn French, learn to play the drums, begin yoga and pilates again. Life has been so hectic with the elections and Get Out the Vote campaigns that I haven't had much time to myself. However, now that THAT'S all over and done with, I think I'll have more time to devote to myself. I think what I really need to do is to just sit down, take a breath, and organize my life -- and then STICK TO IT.

DISCIPLINE. DISCIPLINE. DISCIPLINE!!!!

All that's left to complete my life is SNOW. I CANNOT WAIT FOR SEASON 08-09!!! AND, I can't believe it's almost the holidays already! I'm currently blogging at work, and looking out at the rest of South Coast makes me SO happy! Christmas trees, lights, wreaths, snow.. it's all so beautiful, I just want to cry hahahaha, but of course, being the hard-ass that I am, my tear ducts just don't work.

Oh, and I forgot to mention: I'm not drinking until January 1, 2009. I'm also going to cut back (if not cut out completely) my bad habit of cursing every other word. Woo, new me, here I come!

NEW OBSESSION

2008-09-26T12:13:00.001-07:00

His Orchestra
The Jakes

gooood shit, son.

SNOW SNOW SNOW!!! i need new gear.

EDIT. sooo today went to sport chalet to get an iPod arm thing for when i go running, but instead ended up finding thirtytwo boots for $50!!!!! it was a sale for an additional 50% off for 2 days and WOW what are the chances that i blogged that i needed new gear and all of a sudden I GET NEW GEAR?!?!?! hahahahaha life is good, baby.

love

2008-09-06T02:55:00.000-07:00

i miss doing a lot of things, so i'm just jotting down things/ideas that i love/ love to do:

- long drives, especially to the mountains or desert or somewhere nature-y; specifically, the drive to mammoth at night, say 2am when it's pitch black and quiet and you can see the stars and snow and i'm sitting in the car wrapped in a comforter and listening to music from my ipod while someone else drives :)
- thunderstorms. i love lying in bed late at night during thunderstorms and just watching lightning flash through the window and listening to the rain pound.
- the idea of going to the desert in the middle of a thunderstorm and lying in my car and watching the lightning flash through the sunroof/windows. i think it's so romantic!
- snow. i miss snowboarding SO MUCH and am so excited for the season to start!! love snow, especially colorado snow where it's not so much snow as it is powder.. so so fluffy!!

more to come when i think of things :)

+/- ?

2008-09-03T21:57:00.001-07:00

can you be attracted to AND repulsed by someone at the same time?

why do i keep having these simultaneous emotions...?

all at once

2008-08-27T23:31:00.000-07:00

i feel empty, but strangely enough, hopeful as well -- all in one simultaneous, tumultuous wave of emotions.

the cranberries; linger

2008-08-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

but i'm in so deep
you know i'm such a fool for you
you've got me wrapped around your finger
do you have to let it linger?
do you have to
do you have to
do you have to let it linger?

the latest song being repeated on iTunes. <3

2008-08-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

if i could describe my life in one word at this moment, it would be IRONIC.

what do i want?

2008-08-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

late last night, i was up talking to a friend and he brought up a good question that i've never thought about before. what is it that i want in life? whether it's material or abstract, i don't think i've ever really examined my desires and figured out what it is that i really want -- goals, possessions, achievements. so i pondered that question early this morning and here is what i've come up with so far:

- i want to be successful -- not necessarily to be extremely wealthy or famous, but successful in the sense that i have fulfilled my life goals and am proud of myself and my accomplishments. this includes going to the peace corps, eventually building my own law firm, becoming an ambassador/diplomat, making an impact on this earth.

- i also want to have a family somewhere down the line. i have the next 30 or so years planned out ahead, and nowhere in that timeline does a family seem possible, but i don't think having a family is something you need to set time for in your life. it's something that just happens when it's right. so, eventually i would like to get married and have children, or child, and dogs.

- along with that, i want to be a GOOD mother, wife, boss, employee, sister, daughter, aunt, niece, friend, whatever. scratch that, i don't want to settle for GOOD. i want to be the BEST, or at least, the best i could be. i've been neglecting so many relationships in my life, i think it's time for me to shape up and rekindle those lost flames and become a better everything.

- i want to take care of my parents when they're old. after all of their sacrifices, the least they deserve is to be taken care of when they retire. although my parents and i don't have a close relationship -- well, my mom and i are somewhat close -- they are still my parents and i love them regardless.

there are so many other things that i want, but these were the first to come to mind and i'm sure are the most important in my life. wooo, all this soul-searching in the past couple of days has seriously drained me haha. i need a nap!

things to do

2008-08-03T03:07:00.001-07:00

- learn french and be able to speak, read and write it fluently
- learn japanese, italian, german moderately
- go on a trip by myself to europe: notably the countries greece, egypt, switzerland, france, and italy
- make my own jewelry
- become entirely independent
- pay off all my bills
- work out and become fit -- with that: take yoga and pilates
- read and learn about all religions
- save enough money to buy my own house
- study abroad
- get into columbia law school
- determine what my goals are, and create a reasonable timeline to complete them
- figure out who i am

more to come.. but these are just a few of the things i've been thinking about lately. i really need to reorganize my priorities and figure out what i want -- and then, figure out how to get there.

my girl likes to party all the tiiiime

2008-08-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

i seriously have not had more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night in the past two, maybe three, weeks. i basically work all day, from 11am until 9pm, and then somehow have the energy to go out afterwards. linh-- you are SUCH a bad influence on me haha. it feels good though, to be so liberated and to just be able to do whatever, whenever. yayyyuhhh!

my co-workers are amazing. i've missed SO MUCH the feeling of being close to my co-workers, and it's baaack! at zumiez, i loved coming in each day because i felt like i wasn't working, but rather getting paid to hang out with some of the people i love most. after everyone left, i began to HATE work.. and it was just like that at my other jobs. but NOW, every day at work is like a family reunion haha. as corny as it sounds, everyone at the restaurant is like family to me -- and it's only been a month!

i need to start planning for fall quarter and all the events i have to put on before the general election. it's going to so exciting and i am SO pumped up!

i'm bummed out at the fellowship program though. i've been switched over to the california program, but the program was supposed to start mid-july, and now it's august. i'm waiting to hear from them, but i don't think the program has even been initiated yet. it's really disappointing to me, especially since i had the opportunity to go to ohio and didn't take it (THANKS MOM AND DAD) and now i feel as if that entire chance has been taken from me. don't let me down, barack!

moving out in sept. hopefully! cross your fingers :)

still so much to do, my life needs to start already.

humanity's disappointments

2008-07-31T06:42:00.000-07:00

the whole state of humanity has seriously let me down, especially in the events that ensued last night. i've always been trusting -- probably too trusting -- towards everyone in my life, including strangers. foolishly, i let people come into my life, take what they want and leave. and me, never saying a word. never saying a word because i always believed that people could be better, always making excuses for people and their lack of compassion, sympathy or just pure morality.

last night, i left my purse unattended for under TWO minutes at a karaoke bar and came back to find my wallet missing from my purse. my wallet.. with my four credit cards, driver's license, school ID, and various other cards, and $30 in cash. wow, seriously? what kind of dumbfuck "weasel" (as koji calls him/her) does that? who fucking steals a WALLET for $30? as if i wouldn't notice and cancel my cards..? i'm most upset that they took my actual wallet though.. i just bought it last week -- a brand new black leather marc by marc jacobs turnlock wallet. ironically, i remember just thinking to myself yesterday at work that my wallet is perfect and i will never buy another wallet again. HA! because now i do. fuckfuckfuck i am sooo angry. the shadiness of it all -- i mean LITERALLY i was out of the room for less than two fucking minutes. and the fact that whoever stole from me took ONLY my wallet and not my camera, DS or phone...? what the freaking cack is that.

soo at 2 in the morning last night, i had to sit out in a parking lot and call all my credit card companies and cancel them.. and NOW at 6:51am, i'm getting ready to go to the DMV to get a new driver's license. which is the freaking biggest hassle of all, especially since now i basically have to put two weeks of my life on hold while i wait for all of my cards.

and of course, as if the night couldn't get worse: as linh, koji and i were looking for my wallet and asking around, some fuckers just HAD to start shit. this is why koreans make such good drama shows -- BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING DRAMA. KOREAN=DRAMA. really, i swear i'm not racist but i have never met a korean who could honestly shut up and keep their shit to themselves (except patty, but patty sometimes you are crazy too). oh, and i loved how the girls outside the bar that i asked kept pretending they didn't know who the fuck marc jacobs was. "what kind of wallet was it?" "marc jacobs." "whaaat? i've never even heard of that." "oh, what was it again? something starting with an M?" i seriously wanted to deck that fucking he-she dyke so bad.

all i have to say to this piece of shit is:

FUCK YOU. KARMA IS A FAT FUCKING BITCH AND WHEN IT FINDS YOU, I HOPE IT GETS YOU HARD.

2008-07-28T23:14:00.000-07:00

hello, blogspot.

as of late, i've been feeling emptier and lonelier than i have ever in my life. even as i surrounded myself with the people i love the most and maintained a steady flow of activity, i found that there was a constant, gaping hole in my heart, and no amount of social interactions and relationships was able to fill that void. however, throughout this time, i've been able to lie back and look at my life in retrospect, and i'm beginning to gain a better understanding of myself.

i've realized that the person i am and the person who i want to become are two different beings. i've always imagined myself to be a confident, determined, ambitious and self-assured person, but lately, that solid wall of certainty has slightly crumbled, leaving me unsure and lost. i feel as if the track that i've set on so confidently this time last year has become increasingly muddled and fuzzy. i've done so much to pave my way to my future, but now i'm starting to doubt myself. but then again, maybe i'm just feeling too self-pitying right now.. it IS summer -- a time where inactivity and bumming around is normal. yet again, i don't think i am too normal.. doing nothing really bothers me, and the fact that i've been SO unproductive is probably what is making me go crazy.

wow, i've just read over what i wrote and i sound SO freaking emo, it's insane. honestly, i'm not usually this whiny :) but really, if i don't start doing something or making something of myself SOON -- i know i'm going to have a BF again (BF being bitch fit haha).

more later.